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IF I RULED THE WORLD
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Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement
mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the
most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.The only show opposite Monday Night Football would
be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car,
as long as you returned it the following day with a
full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail/ticket
Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck
answer you responded with would actually reduce
your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright
red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Nodding and looking at your watch would be
deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Beer would be dispensed from water fountains Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you
could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam
hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th
so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't
help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!) Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend/wife really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to
the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em
next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the
fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. Everybody that drives would be legally bound to yield right of way to anybody driving a Z
Luke Pavlick
'90 Z32 Stage IV Twin Turbo
Items in the mirror appear ... TO BE LOSING
I want to die peacefully in my sleep ... just like Gramps
not screaming and terrified like the
people in his car at the time |
